| Helpful Article on Prevention |
I woke up this morning with one thing on my mind: murder.
- Suspect Clues:
- Wakes up earlier than you
- Smiles when approaching, but don’t let him fool you
- A one drink kinda guy
- Relentless, as in keeps attacking even in the case of a lost limb
- Has friends as faithful as gang members…or maybe even the mafia
- Moves slower when full
- Remorseless—I’m sure of it Suspect’s Crime:
- *NOTE: I wanted to write “Criminal’s Crime!” because I know he’s guilty, but my lawyer friends would stop reading, so I’ll concede to the American system of law and order and all that jazz about guilty until proven innocent or whateva!
- Multiple thefts on the same day
- Repeat attacks, within minutes of each other
- Unsanitary usage of weapon
- Suspect’s History:
- Comes from a family of centuries of criminal activity.
- Oldest known relative, according to the smart guy over at “How Stuff Works,” lived over 30 million years ago.
- And now that I’m reading this guy Craig’s stuff [no relation to the infamous Craig of Craig’s List,] I need to change all my pronouns to She. Because, according to this really smart dude, the males in this tribe supply, but the females do the dirty work.
- For centuries this crime family has been honing their skill set and strategies.
- Suspect’s Strategy:
- Chemical reactions, and we’re not talking your ordinary sense of smell, but rather the ability to identify carbon dioxide emitting victims (that would be me and you) from a hundred feet away.
- Visual skills that gage movement even when they don’t know what or who is moving, even in the dark. Sounds like a security camera that picks up on increase of kinetic energy. Remember that word from high school physics?
- Heat detectors that detect heat—in a nutshell, any warm-blooded victim like me or you.
- Yup, I’m saying that she is built like a military heat-seeking bomb without a deficit-causing budget.
- Suspect’s Weapon
- An elongated extracting device attached to the suspect’s head that is more powerful than an elephant’s trunk, but sharp and thin like a tiny sewing needle.
- Weapon’s name is a Proboscis, and known by some as a sucking tubular organ.
- Aliases:
- Blood sucker
- mini-vampire
- antithesis of the love-bug
- itch-causing witch (the thing does fly)
- In some countries, known as “little fly”
- The Evidence:
- Small red, itchy, bumps around both ankles, both knees, in between toes (those are the worst) and one on my left knuckle
- The Plan:
- Plan A – Find the little bugger and bring her to me alive so I can pull her legs off one at a time, then de-wing her, and save her de-weaponment for last. I want to see her grovel for all the pain she’s caused me.
- Plan B – Allow her to try one more time to steal from me, and at the moment of attack, squeeze attack: pinch skin surrounding area until she engorges and blows up into the sky above. Post Fourth of July firework display for my viewing pleasure!
- Plan C – If Plans A & B fail, just find the stinking wench and squish her. A flattening splat is good enough justice for this angry, scratching victim.
When we visited Alaska, the young fellow directing our white water raft told us that when the summer begins, big, fat ones arrive, and they fly slow enough that you have plenty of time to swat them away or kill them on contact. As the season goes on, the speedy, lightweight, “fighter-jet” fleet arrives, and they bite like stealth bombers—quick and when you least expect it.
[Excuse me while I scratch my ankle, my other ankle, the top of my foot, the side of my foot, my baby toe, the right side of my leg from the knee down…and my left knuckle! Itch to the domino-effect itch, I tell ya!]
Where was I? Oh yes! These wicked beings inhabit nearly all the earth.
[Excuse me while I scratch my ankle, my other ankle, the top of my foot, the side of my foot, my baby toe, the right side of my leg from the knee down…and my left knuckle! Itch to the domino-effect itch, I tell ya!]
Where was I? Oh yes! These wicked beings inhabit nearly all the earth.
So I know this posse of pests gets around and I don’t expect the species to be wiped out easily, but if I have one request for God about Heaven:
Please, Oh Please! Don’t let the mosquitoes in! Especially the one who bit me yesterday. Or her friends. They have tasted my blood. And they like it.
And one final thing, not sure if you have a Chocolate Hotel in heaven, but if you do, can I make a reservation? Cuz something tells me the chocolate in heaven tastes even better, and the best part, I’m pretty sure it’s calorie-free!
**The views expressed in this POST are DEFINITELY the writer’s opinions. Gathering of evidence regarding chocolate in heaven is not finished at present. But if you kill that mosquito for me, the one who sucked a few cups of blood out of me yesterday, I’m offering a reward of some heavenly dark chocolate. I can share. Really I can. 🙂
**IF you LIKED this POST, you MIGHT also LIKE
“The Signs Of Life”
or
“Living: An Extreme Sport”
or
“Don’t Do This When You Give Up Chocolate…Just Don’t”
