The flickering light whizzing around the dark living room brought a glimpse of fiery orange glow for two seconds and then went out again. Thought about several fun tweets immediately:
“The night light in our house has a mind of its own. Oh wait. Just a firefly wanting some attention.”
“If I were a lightening bug, I would only offer to count in hide and seek. Just sayin.”
Or…
“This little light of mine is buzzing above my head. First official summer #firefly spotting. And she’s indoors!”
Never get the energy to rise and type in my tweets. Decide it’s okay to let it go. Enjoy the moments inside my head, smile, and move on. No one in the cyber world’s life depends on my firefly fixation tonight.
Hubby’s birthday arrives the next morning and as he goes off for his preplanned bike ride [gift to himself,] the rest of the family begins preparing his birthday breakfast. Bought some pricey nitrate-free, preservative-free Canadian bacon to add to the whole wheat banana and blueberry pancakes menu. And had to have eggs. Not a Paulus celebration morning without eggs a’la peppers, onions and cheese. The smell of freshly ground coffee wakes my senses as I chop, mix, and mingle.
Hubby’s middle brother’s family arrived late last night and our house of chatter is now a house of clamor. In the most delightful way. The cousins (four boys with our four girls) have already finished their first course of Cinnamon Toast Crunch and everyone’s putting away bedding and rotating out of the shower to multitask. If we don’t time things well, we’ll be late for church.
Breakfast scarfed and off to service we shuttle where I have been asked to make the announcements today. Yeah! Get a chance to give a birthday shout out to the whole world (well, all those who showed up to First Baptist of Flushing) this morning with a “Today’s my best friend and hubby’s birthday. I love you Santhosh!” followed by a few cheers and claps from the congregation. Beware who you give the mic to!! 😉
On the drive home, we stop by a bakery to pick up tiramisu. Wouldn’t be a birthday without cake now, would it? Arrive at home and hubby’s older brother and wife walk in with a huge box from a Queen’s bakery. A strawberry-covered New York Cheesecake. No shortage of cake today.
After lunch, tummies full and bodies cooled from some sprinkler fun, the now ten cousins all gravitate to the living room for some tv down time. The six adults, three brothers and their wives, move to the outdoor patio for a much anticipated time of conversation. This is the first time in a long time that we’re all together in one place without any distractions. This was the plan for today. To talk face to face. And process together the new chapter that has arrived in our lives through the downturn of Papa’s health.
Even before Sun’s oldest brother begins speaking, there is a sense that we’re all a little on edge. Just like any other family, we’re not perfect. Words have been exchanged. Disagreements over how to proceed have been aired. Emotions have been flying. Tension has risen around every corner as each of us has tackled various aspects of Papa’s Alzheimer’s and all that it has brought into our lives. Needless to say, I feel kind of like we’re at the table for peace talks, but most of us have our hands on our pockets. Where we hold our guns. And cover our hearts.
But then the unexpected happens.
Like the firefly that snuck into our house while no one was looking, a flicker of hope shows up and something changes in an instant with the first words spoken. When Sun’s oldest brother opens his mouth, his heart spills out. And like waterfalls that flow into each other, each person around the table begins to tear up and one by one, we all share in one way or the other the one fact that unites us, regardless of our differences, backgrounds, personalities or preferences.
We. Are all hurting.
And just like the firefly, who you can only spot when she emits her light, I have no idea where the next flicker of grace arrives from. But one by one, each of us ricochets off each other’s vulnerability, and I can honestly say I’ve never experienced this, apart from one on one relationships of my spouse or my best friends. It was like the truth encounter I shared with my BFE years ago. She shared something deep inside her heart and her honesty freed me to share deeply and back and forth we spoke until our hearts were open, naked. And only God’s Grace made us able to stand in each others’ presence without judgement but rather love and acceptance.
And hope. Hope ushered us out of that place of raw exposure. Because you don’t open up a wound and just leave it there. You have to enter it. But then you have to take steps toward healing.
As each brother and wife took turns sharing, words that fell like diamonds from the sky lingered in the air.
“I’m sorry.”
“I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
“Forgive me.”
“I forgive you.”
Gems within our grasp. Gems that have no price on them. Because they can neither be purchased nor stolen. They are gifts that can only be given. And received. And returned.
Forgiveness.
Grace.
Mercy.
And Love.
I don’t know if we’ll ever be in this place again. But something special happened this Saturday in our backyard patio. Something none of us will ever forget for the rest of our lives. God came down. And walked with us through our painful first steps of letting go. Of the hurts of yesterday. Of certain dreams of tomorrow. And the weight of today was lifted. Just enough to give each of us the strength to keep walking. Together.
We’re not a perfect family. No one can claim to have it all together. All I know is that if ever I understood what the word family means. It is now. And I am so thankful.
As we leave Papa that evening to have dinner with friends, Hubby says, “Never imagined getting such an amazing gift on my birthday.”
I smiled and nodded. Words would have just set me off crying again. Happy tears.
And we end the night with laughs, sitting around our living room with friends, sharing stories of surviving birds and their bowels. No joke. I don’t think I’ve cried so much or laughed so hard on the same day before. Within hours in fact. And if fireflies lit up around me for each time God filled this day, hubby’s birthday, with flickers of hope, let’s just say fireworks were going off—all day long.
For a guy whose name means happiness, Santhosh, I think you’d agree that today was, indeed, a Happy Birthday. Yeah!!!!!!
**Do you have a birthday memory when you received a surprise gift you never saw coming?
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