My hubby loves tools. I’m guessing most guys do. When someone says the words, “Home Depot,” it’s almost the same effect as the ways my ears perk up when someone nearby says, “Dark Chocolate!”

And so many of us *we’re guilty of this too, purchase lots and lots of tools, and then just store them up. To collect dust. And sometimes, we wait until something is beyond repair before we’re willing to spend the time and money to find a tool to fix it. 

Marriage is the same. If you’re serious about making your marriage thrive, you have to invest in some tools. Practice using the tools too. That’s how you get good at them. And they become a more natural part of your daily communication and relationship. Most of all, walk the journey of your relationship with a heart pointed toward learning. From others who have gone before you and are living out their vows with commitment, fervor and growing love. Year after year.

When we hit our four year anniversary, more than a decade ago, we happened to be visiting one of hubby’s best friends from high school. I remember like it was yesterday how his bride of ten years said, arms clinging tightly to her hubby’s neck, “I don’t want a mediocre marriage. I want an out-of-this-world, extraordinary, phenomenal marriage!”

I thought to myself, me too! Who doesn’t?

So over the last fifteen years, we’ve invested in our marriage. And we continue to do so. Here’s a run-down of my TOP TEN TOOLS we’ve discovered along the way and want to pass on to you:
10. H. Norman Wright’s book Starting Out Together. Sixty short and sweet encouragements on a wide variety of topics covered in marriage with one question or thought to reflect on together at the bottom of each page. We read this book twice. Once while dating and then again as newlyweds.

9. Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. Read this early in our marriage with other couples. Reread it several times afterward to remind us that it’s just as important to understand your own love language as it is to love your spouse in his or her language.

8.  Wild at Heart and Captivating by John and Staci Eldredge. I not only love the writing, I love how they help you understand the basics of why we were created and how we complement each other. Love giving both these books to couples on their wedding day and then encouraging them to read both to understand themselves and their spouses.

7. Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs. Have only skimmed this book, but love the basic concept that men need to feel respected and women need to feel loved, and how to break out of the cycle of hurting each other.

6.Sacred Sex By Tim Gardner. Has little to do with methodology and emphasizes how critical the bedroom relationship is to the depth and stability of the marriage. Highly recommend this book!

5. Marriage Retreats. We went on one sponsored by CMDA, but I know a lot of great ones exist out there. I love how it gives a couple a weekend to enrich their marriage with a lot of couple time as well as a chance to learn from other marriages. The coolest thing I learned from the CMDA retreat was a walk through diagram of how to talk through touchy topics, but the bottom line was always the bottom line. “No matter what we decide on this issue, at the end of the day, I am wholly committed to you and our marriage.”

4. Third Option. A course we learned and taught in a couples’ group based on finding that middle, healthy ground. Not his way. Nor her way. But the third option. What I loved most about this course is how it starts with a couple’s creed, one similar to saying your vows, a poetic reminder of the importance of unity above self-interest. Plus I loved growing closer to my hubs while getting a chance to encourage our friends. It helps to know you’re not alone. Marriage is hard work. And we all have struggles. 3. PAIRS. Hands down the best gift we ever gave to our marriage. PAIRS stands for Practical Application Intimacy for Relationship Skills. And that is exactly what it is. Practical communication tools for the every day challenges of marriage. I love how the skills build on each other, deepening your  insights into yourself and your spouse as you go from week to week. We took it as a 10 part series in a small group with other couples and two that were PAIRS certified teachers. I love that they call themselves marriage educators and admit that they are learning along side us. My favorite tool that I picked up from the class is the DTR. It is now available as a free APP. It’s a simple way to connect with your spouse, even if you only do it once a week, and just remember to appreciate him or her and end with sharing your dreams. Aloud. So you can continue to dream together.

I could go on and on about PAIRS. The course offers healthy conflict resolution tools as well as a lot of self reflective exercises, really giving you a chance to know yourself better so you can share yourself more wholly with your spouse. In the end, you need to work on you and let your spouse work on himself/herself. That’s the key.

2. Emotionally Healthy Marriage taught by Pete and Geri Scazzero. Wow! They took all of the above and then some and made the ultimate hybrid of a marriage course. I so appreciate both of them, their vulnerability, and their gifts of teaching. And their emphasis that we cannot do this marriage thing well without the help of God. And his daily Grace. Marriage is surely the toughest relationship to maintain. Simply because it involves so many layers of intimacy, and the deeper the love goes, so also the deeper the wounds can pierce. The insanely high divorce rates world wide attest to it. Marriage is no easy task. But it is possible. And so worth the investment. When you find that person who’s willing to work at it with you. I feel like the best thing I learned from Pete and Geri was about freedom in marriage. The freedom to be honest and safe and real and how it ultimately weaves two people into one through this process of understanding your past in order to move forward. If you never do anything else for your marriage, read Pete’s book on Emotionally Healthy Spirituality and journal and share your family genogram diagram with your spouse. It’s painful to go back sometimes. But you hold hands, trust each other, and take it one step at a time.

From Proposing, to Helping me down to Asking me to dance… His hand is the one I’ve been given to hold. To walk through This life together. For as many days as given. One day at a time.

1. The daily music of Grace. This might sound too simple. But I love music. Love songs. Songs with lyrics that remind me of how blessed I am to have found a man along the way who is willing to walk through the madness of life with me, a man patient enough to listen to me and willing to forgive my daily shortcomings, and ultimately, a man with a teachable spirit, never assuming we have arrived, but continually willing to work at it. Depending on God and his Grace for each day he gives us together and for fueling our love for each other. He did invent LOVE after all.That’s the music that breathes daily life into our marriage. Sweeter sounds than any love song on the radio. The words we say to each other as often as needed. Sometimes twice in one day. “I am not giving up on you.” 

Because baby, I’m in it for the long haul.

Dance with me.

**I know a lot of other great stuff is out there! And I’m always looking for new and creative ways to invest in my marriage. So don’t be shy! What have you read on marriage that has transformed your relationship? Or what tool(s) have you discovered along the way that you just have to share with someone when the topic of healthy relationships comes up?

**If you liked this POST, you MIGHT also LIKE:
“Top Ten Hardest Things to Share after Saying I do”
or
“Window of Opportunity”
or
“My Love Language…A Mother’s Day Post”