Top Ten Healthcare Questions You Didn’t Think To Ask Me

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In light of the first Government Shut Down in eighteen years, I felt compelled to write a post on #healthcare. Since I’m married to a doc, I hear the other side of the story all the time. 

Healthcare reform is all the wrong hands. 

People making the decisions don’t even have a medical background. 

 Now we get paid more for keeping people out of the hospital. Oh, you’re bleeding? Put some pressure on it, take two Aspirin, and you’ll lose five pounds by Wednesday. 

Sure, I suppose that last one I might have taken a little liberty on the interpretation.

 But, I’m not the best patient either. In fact, I just returned from my first physical in like five years, and I can honestly say that healthcare is going to pot.

*NOTE: this is not a knock on my physician. I love her. She’s smart. Funny. And never once, okay, maybe once she reminded me that I haven’t seen her in a long time. BUT, the overall experience was rather disappointing. And here’s why:

 Top Ten Questions I Wish My Doctor Had Asked, but Didn’t:

  1. Are you getting your daily dose of coffee and chocolate in? To which I would have answered a resounding, “Yes! Yes, I am.”
  2. Are you working out. Your fingers? Daily? To which I would have also answered, “Yes! Tapping away page after page of my sequel and not gonna stop till I reach my goal: the words, “The End.”
  3. Are you feeling any kind of strange sensations… while watching Zombies on TV? Yes, Again! Goosebumps in places I never knew existed rise up when I saw World War Z and then began watching Walking Dead for the first time.
  4. Do you find Social Media taking up too much of your time? Do you wake up and check FaceBook before saying, “Good morning,” to your spouse? Do you update your status every hour and hit like when no one’s looking? To which I would have answered, “Social Media? What’s that?” and then when she left the room to get my flu shot, I’d quickly type, “My Doc thinks I have a case of FaceBook Addiction?!? Hit Like if you agree.”   
  5. Are you pregnant? Or is there any chance you might be pregnant? To which I would have jumped off the bed and done a cartwheel. Okay, maybe not, because that’s kind of dangerous in those hospital gowns and the office is a bit cramped, but I would have to say I know for sure, now, that I’m not. Sweat wiped off brow. Next question, please.
  6. Do you want to skip the rectal? Umm. Yeah. Oh, shwell. The exam reserved for all those past the age of forty snuck up from behind me. Literally. 
  7. Do you want permission to eat Pumpkin-flavored products this fall? YES to the YES! Bring on the pumpkin pie, pumpkin soup, pumpkin bread, and can’t forget to sip me some pumpkin spiced latte. Yum!
  8. Do you want me to remove the non-mole that you keep touching at the back of your head? PLEASE!! Will you? I’d pay you a million dollaz! Okay, maybe ten. But still, you’d be my best friend forever. And eva. And eva…
  9. Want to try a free sample of laser hair removal on your legs so you’ll never have to shave again? Free! Legs! Never shave again! Um. Yes. Why wouldn’t I?
  10. Here’s two pills. Take ‘em and you’ll be twenty pounds lighter, blemish and acne free for life, and 100% more energetic without any side effects. Want a one way ticket to heaven? To which I’d have to say No. 

 Whaaaaaat? I know, right? But I’m not ready. To call it quits in my own fight to find my best healthy self. To fast forward or rewind the natural process of aging and all that comes with it. 

 And I’m not ready to leave the earth yet. Still have some stories to write, some life to live and a whole heck of a lot of loving to do. So not yet… please. Just click on cnn.com any moment and the news will remind you that no one gets a say as to how much time you have. So whether you believe in YOLO or YOLF, today is the day you’ve been given.

Make the right here, right now the day that counts. :)

 **And when you see my doctor, DO NOT tell her I wrote this. She might ask me to come in for a follow-up, and I’m still dizzy from all the blood taken from me. I had to count to four repeatedly and tell myself, It’s just a little blood. Don’t count the viles. She’s almost done. Don’t look. Don’t… look.

 

 ** AND you? Are you going to flu shot it this year? Do you have a doctor visit story you’d like to share? What do you propose tourists do now that they can’t visit the Statue? And what fall treat are you struggling to say no to? 

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